Clarity through boundaries.

“Your wellness hinges on your boundaries.” – Nedra Glover Tawwab, Author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. 

Boundaries, as defined by Tawwab, “are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.”  This can be a relationship with another person or even with yourself. When we think of needing to set boundaries, we might think of doing so because someone is intruding our space, or perhaps taking too much of our time. When we don’t make our boundaries clear, we don’t have the opportunity to respect them or have them respected. 

A lot of us weren’t taught how to set boundaries and our society often encourages the opposite.  In my first real job, I never set a boundary about leaving work at 5 or saying “no” to coming in on the weekends. I thought that would make me a bad employee or be seen as lazy. When people ask me to do things I don’t want to do, I often say “yes” because I worry that it will make me a seem unkind. What I learned from this book however, is that this behavior is indicative of having poor boundaries. While these are more obvious examples of boundary issues, boundaries problems frequently arise in our financial lives as well. 

When it comes to our finances, we must create boundaries for ourselves. As Tawwab writes, “with self-boundaries, we [have to] consider how we impact ourselves.” We must be responsible for the personal choices we make and the resulting effects of those choices. We cannot think about what others can do to make our lives better, but we must think about what it is that we can do to take care of ourselves. We must have the willingness to exercise control with things we might want and recognize that saying “no”, even to ourselves, is actually a gift. When we say “yes” only to the things that really matter, we exercise healthy boundaries and self-care. 

Where might you have boundary violations when it comes to your finances? Here are some things to consider and ways to honor your boundaries

1.     Do you have difficulty saying “no” to people when they ask to borrow money that you cannot afford to give?

a.     Assess whether you can truly afford to give the money without expecting it back. 

2.     Do you have a budget which you follow? 

a.     Create a budget that includes your current and expected needs and wants and is within your income. Honor yourself by sticking to it.  

3.     Do you regularly dip into your savings account for non-emergencies or unplanned items? 

a.     Create parameters for which you can dip into your savings. Define clearly what constitutes an emergency and only use savings for emergencies. 

4.     Do you spend everything you earn?

a.     Plan your budget to anticipate future needs and wants as well as savings. Know that income is limited, and everything must come from your income. 

5.     Do you rely on credit for purchases?

a.     Only use a credit card for purchases you could otherwise make in cash. 

6.     Do you feel overwhelmed by debt?

a.     Within your budget, contemplate debt payments. Make a plan to pay more than the minimums to eliminate the debt.

7.     Do you feel that self-care requires spending money?

a.     Find other ways to have self-care, like honoring your boundaries and saying “no”.

8.     Do you often say yes to outing with friends that are not in your budget or do you have a friend that when you’re around them, you spend money you don’t have?

a.     Go back to the budget you set and honor yourself by sticking to it. Suggest a different activity with your friend, like a hike, a walk, or a museum.

Setting boundaries is challenging. When we define our boundaries and say “no” to things that don’t match what we defined, we take care of ourselves. Through defining what it is that we expect and need, and honoring those needs and expectations, we get to a deeper sense of knowing what it is that we want and need going forward. We give ourselves permission to take care of our own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

If there is one area in the list above that resonates with you, think back to a time when you could have set a boundary there and think about how you would have felt had you done so. Make a plan for how you will set that boundary going forward.