What’s yours is mine & what’s mine is yours.

Today is Valentine’s Day. A day which reminds me to reflect upon my relationship with my husband and the love we share. I’m mindful of how good our relationship is. We argue occasionally, of course. But open communication often resolves our arguments quickly. Our relationship is grounded in trust, common goals, and respect for one another. We also sorted out our finances early in our relationship—a common source of tension and anxiety in many relationships and an issue that can lead couples to separation or divorce.

When we first starting living together, about two years before we got married, we would “split” the bills. He would pay me for half of our monthly recurring bills, and I would make the payments and generally manage our finances. When it came to other things though, it was less clear to make equal. When we’d dine out, we would take turns paying for the meals. This quickly and obviously led to some unfairness—whichever of us was picking up the tag on Taco Tuesday would be in for a $15 ticket, while a fancy date night with a bottle of wine could have gotten us a hundred tacos.

Why did this common goal—sharing our meals—create such feelings of unfairness and resentment?

A year into living together we realized that managing our finances separately was the culprit. What if there was an emergency to cover, like needing a new water heater? How would we split that? What if only one, or neither of us, had saved anything?

Finances underly every intimate relationship. Sometimes it is merely splitting the bill for dining out, but relationships also involve expenses for child care, house maintenance, or major medical bills. A little unfairness here and there on splitting tacos is one thing, but for more fundamental expenditures, not having a financial plan with your partner lends to future instability and heartache.

What would it feel like to not have those feelings of unfairness or resentment in our relationship? With the common desire to improve our partnership, my husband and I decided to combine our incomes and make decisions on spending together by creating a bottom line budget. We agreed it didn’t matter who earned more or who had more debt. We are committed to a life together. Part of that life together means equality. It also means that at the end of it we want to be in the same place together.

We share in what we have, both good and bad, for better or worse.

Combining our income meant that we knew exactly what the other person earned and then, what we earned collectively. We also knew how much debt we had individually, and thereby how much debt we had collectively. This formed the basis of our financial plan. We set a goal to pay off all of our debt. We made decisions about how we wanted to spend together based on our goals.

Here’s the beauty of combining your income: you jointly have a bigger pot of money to work from to accomplish your collective goals and live the life you choose to live together. And, it doesn’t mean that all of your goals and desires are the same. But, you can account for that in your budget. For example, my husband and I each get some discretionary money every month to spend on whatever we want—judgment free from the other.

Some people I’ve worked with have expressed unwillingness to unite their their incomes. Some of these couples take on a pro rata approach to combining their incomes or they “split” the bills like we used to. So then what happens with the rest of their earnings? They each spend it however they see fit, but not in a way that furthers their collective goals—their goals as partners united.

Here’s the Bottom Line: Combining income means that you share in life together. You discuss what it is you both want and how you want to get there. You’re equipped to handle those unexpected bills because you have a plan together. No one person is holding the bag for anything. No one has the power to make greater decisions because of income. Both partners have a clear picture of what the financial future looks like and equal footing to voice their opinions, objections, and objectives.

How do you and your partner approach your finances? What works for you? What doesn’t work?