examining giving
This week is a great time to reflect on what we are thankful for, to give thanks for what life has given us, and to think about giving. Giving to others is incredibly important. Not only does giving to others offer the chance to help someone else; it provides us the opportunity to increase our own happiness – it just matters how we do it.
In our spending plan, my husband and I have a category for giving. Giving is important to us. Every single month, we make charitable donations. However, for years, our charitable giving has been completely hands-off. An automatic withdrawal is made from our bank account. The only time I even remember we donate is when I am tracking our expenses and I see the withdrawals.
When I heard the idea that giving to others can bring us happiness, I thought about how we give and, to myself, voiced skepticism. We give because we feel it is important, or a should, not because we thought it could do anything for us. How is it bringing me happiness when I don’t even remember I do it?
Dr. Elizabeth Dunn also wondered why her giving wasn’t bringing her joy, when her entire field of work was dedicated to happiness research and she discovered that giving does in fact bring people happiness. What she uncovered is fascinating. Her research shows that we get the most happiness when giving to others when satisfying these three factors: relatedness, competence, and autonomy. The more our giving allows us to connect with others, the happier we’ll be. If we can see the difference our giving makes, the more pleasure we will derive. Finally, deciding whether and how much to give, provides people more satisfaction.
Learning about this research got me thinking about an experience I had a few months ago. Occasionally, my husband and I like to run to a thrift store for a little date during his lunch hour. We like to peruse the vintage clothes, housewares, and try to find our next read. While on this date, we saw something really inspiring. As we arrived at the store, we noticed a man in the parking lot who appeared to be unhoused. Fifteen minutes later he was in the store accompanied by a professional looking woman. She was buying him clothes - talking to him about sizing and helping him choose items.
When we left the store, we both commented on what we witnessed. It was an act of kindness. It was hands-on, intentional, and compassionate. I felt joy watching the way she was giving.
I realize I am experiencing a dissonance in the way I give. I say that giving is important, but I don’t even remember we do it. The way we help others has gone from something that was once intentional, to something nearly forgotten.
Perhaps this idea is captured in Dr. Dunn’s research as the factor autonomy, but I will add another factor to how we might consider our giving: intentionality. When we give with intention, and not as an afterthought, our giving can have a greater impact for those we choose to give to, as well as for ourselves. And, aside from deriving our own happiness, which is a good reason to give, helping others is important, especially in a time when we have countless choices to make on where and how to spend our resources.
We’ll be rethinking what giving looks like in our spending plan and with our time. Perhaps we continue to make monetary donations but we bring more intention to how we do it. Or, perhaps we’ll begin doing things that are more hands-on. If giving is done in a way that brings us more joy, perhaps it can also inspire us to do more of it.
If giving is important to you, what does your giving look like? Is it bringing you joy? Or, is it automated and mindless, just checking the should box?
Giving need not be monetary, nor what this person in the thrift store did. Bringing a meal to a friend or family member, giving your time to someone as a mentor, volunteering for an organization, or donating items you no longer use are all forms of giving and meaningful.
When we give with intention, we have the opportunity to, as Gandhi said, “be the change you wish to see in the world.”
I’m so thankful for you spending your time reading this this morning and every week. Wishing you a wonderful week.