Redefining worthiness: Challenging my childhood beliefs about money
This is a republication of an article I wrote for the State Bar of New Mexico’s Bar Bulletin publication. I’m thrilled that the New Mexico State Bar invited this candid conversation about money. You can read the article as originally published here.
If I’m being honest, I became a lawyer because I wanted to be wealthy. I graduated from college and saw two choices; doctor or lawyer. Both were high-earning professions with plenty of social prestige. I applied to law school and was on my way to becoming a lawyer. While I was, and am, motivated to help people in need, my choices were narrowed by a desire to make money.
Like many, my beliefs about money formed during childhood*. Growing up, I watched my dad, a general contractor, work ten-hour days doing manual labor. My mom occasionally picked up odd jobs to bring in extra money. While we never lacked, I could sense my parents’ relationship with money was stressful and their conversations around it were frequently tense. In contrast, I saw the way wealthy people lived and how they were treated by others. I saw wealthy people held in high regard, not because of the kind of person they were, but because they simply had money. I equated money with happiness and with being a good person. I believed the more money you had, the more worthy you were.
With the idea of wealth providing motivation, I finished law school. However, even with the degree in hand, my husband and I quickly realized we needed two incomes to cover our bills, with little leftover. We had over $90,000 in debt and like so many Americans, we were just one emergency away from serious financial strain. I felt pressure to know how to manage my money – I had more of it than I ever had – but my lack of financial understanding left me shaken.
I turned to the personal finance space for help but only saw titles like “I Will Teach You to Be Rich,”, “How Rich People Think,” and “Rich Dad Poor Dad.” The answer seemed to always be more money. However, even in my new profession, with my new salary, I didn’t feel the worthiness I thought this lifestyle promised. I felt insecure, both with money and in who I was. My long-held beliefs were being challenged. Even more, I felt alone. I believed that, as a lawyer, I couldn’t share that I didn’t have this aspect of life figured out.
Determined to foster a better relationship with money, I centered my finances on my values. I stopped obsessing over wealth, and the physical trappings of it, and instead set a new goal of financial wellness. The first step towards that goal was to pay off all our debt and in a two-year period, we paid off over $90,000.
As we progressed through our financial journey, I grappled with my beliefs about money. My attraction to wealth, and the social and moral value we ascribe to it, wasn’t surprising anymore. Our society constantly reinforces that our worth is tied to material signs of money. We are constantly exposed to advertisements for luxury vehicles, designer clothes, and extravagant homes. With social media and the internet, we no longer have to keep up with the Joneses down the block, we have to keep up with the Kardashians. In the law, redress is commonly measured monetarily. We assume the larger the recovery, the better the result for the injured person. Even in these helping professions we see assistance through numbers.
I realized that chasing wealth for its own sake would always be a moving target and tying it to my self-worth meant I would never feel secure in who I am.
I came to understand the appearance of wealth is often just that – superficial. Feeling financially secure allowed me to have choices – true choices – and gave me the space to create my own identity. I no longer needed to define myself by how much money I earned or the social value society placed on my profession. As the financial strain lessened, I was finally able to shape my practice of the law, rather than letting it shape me.
So, how do you challenge harmful money beliefs? For me, I started by exploring my values. I value financial security and stability, which I’ve learned is not always synonymous with extraordinary monetary wealth. I value choice and freedom, something that financial security provides. I value kindness and generosity, which, while it now seems obvious, is unrelated to how much money you have.
I share this story, not because it’s easy or comfortable, but because a healthy and open dialogue on this subject is needed. When we become lawyers, everyone assumes we have all the answers and it’s hard to acknowledge that sometimes we don’t. Challenging our beliefs about money can be a long and difficult process, but it's a crucial step towards finding true financial security and personal fulfillment. Our early experiences and external messaging about money can deeply influence our attitudes and behaviors towards it. By examining our values and priorities, we can redefine our relationship with money and find greater peace and purpose in our lives. Ultimately, true wealth lies not in the amount of money we accumulate, but in the freedom and choices it affords us and the relationships and experiences that give our lives meaning.
*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202108/how-your-parents-beliefs-about-money-affect-you