From Conflict to Clarity: Strengthening Your Financial Partnership
Differences in viewpoints can feel like conflict. My instinctive reactions to conflict are either to withdraw or to avoid it altogether. The problem is, this leaves the conflict unresolved and often leads to a growing sense of division.
How can we instead lean into the conflict and transform it?
Check in on your own emotions. Only have the conversation when you feel prepared. Aim to be as objective as possible, setting aside any agenda to “prove your point.” When we bring our own agendas to the table, it’s hard to remain open to our partner’s point of view.
Understand your partner’s interests. We often focus on their position, the stance they’re taking—such as being "for X" or "against X." Interests, however, lie behind these positions: they’re the underlying "why." Get curious about their interests by continuing to ask versions of "tell me more," and regularly check your assumptions along the way.
Shift from a right/wrong or winner/loser mindset. Make room for differing perspectives. Practicing empathy here is key; remember that your partner likely feels as strongly about their perspective as you do about yours.
Recognize the stories you’ve created about your partner—their intentions, motives, beliefs. If possible, talk to them about these stories to gain clarity and avoid misunderstandings. One way to do this is to say, learned from Brené Brown “the story I am making up is…Can you help me understand what’s going on for you?”
Find common ground once you understand each other’s interests. This shared understanding can be the basis for new solutions.
Create a plan for ongoing open communication.
Consider this example: a couple disagrees on hiring help to clean the house.
One wants to hire help; the other doesn’t. These are their positions. By discussing their interests, they might learn that one partner feels overwhelmed and believes the relationship is suffering because of it. The other partner may feel that outsourcing help reflects poorly on their abilities, an idea rooted in childhood beliefs. By uncovering these interests, they might find that they both want a clean home, believe in each other’s need for downtime, and wish to avoid resentment over who does more or less around the house.
Now, with a better understanding of what each person truly values, they can look beyond their initial positions and explore solutions. What new options arise now that each person’s interests are understood? How might they resolve this area of disagreement?
When we look past our initial positions, we often find shared values and common ground that bring us closer together. By understanding our partner’s underlying interests, we open up new paths for resolving conflicts and creating solutions that honor both perspectives. Try this approach in your own conversations—it might surprise you how much common ground you truly share.