Money talks, baby: how couples can manage money together.

When my (now) husband and I first got together nine years ago, we managed our money completely separately. He’d moved in with me, we split half the bills, and the rest of our income was ours to spend however we pleased. But pretty quickly, things started to feel unfair. It was unclear who was responsible for which bills, and our different spending habits left one or both of us stretched financially. Neither of us could truly support our shared life on this “separate money” approach. That’s when we realized we needed a different system and started managing our money together.

Money has since become the foundation of our marriage. It seems to me there’s a disconnect in saying “I value us” while spending all my money on the newest boots of the season. It’s not that we both can’t enjoy personal spending—it’s that how we managed our money now had to communicate that we were in it together. So we created a joint budget that represented both of us and allowed for our shared and individual needs. Managing our finances became our way of saying, “I’m in it for us.”

I see similar dynamics with many of the couples I work with. Even when they have a joint account, it’s still easy to look at each other and wonder, Where did all the money go? From there, feelings of blame, resentment, and frustration can follow quickly. That’s why it’s so important to set up a fair system where both people’s voices matter, and the budget reflects your individual and shared goals.

So, how do you get there? Here are a few strategies to help you create that balance:

1. Create a Realistic Budget Together
   When you make a budget, don’t just map out the numbers—consider each other’s priorities. It should reflect the “big stuff” you both want, not just daily expenses. You want a budget that isn’t just about paying bills but also about showing that you’re in sync financially.

2. Stick to the Budget Like a Promise
   Think of the budget as a commitment. Just like an employer expects you to clock in on time, a budget asks for consistency. If you and your partner agree on $100 each for “fun money,” treat that as a commitment. Boundaries here build trust.

3. Have Regular Money Check-Ins
   Schedule times to discuss finances together. These regular “money dates” give you both a safe space to talk about the budget, adjust goals, and celebrate wins without letting stress or frustration build up. And try not to talk about money outside these times—especially when emotions are high.

4. Celebrate and Acknowledge Each Other
   Recognize when your partner is meeting goals or working toward them. It might be sticking to a budget or resisting a tempting splurge. Encourage sharing when you feel temptation. Acknowledgment keeps you both motivated and helps you see each other’s contributions.

5. Define Your Shared Goals and Values
   Money values can be deeply personal, and they’re often shaped by past experiences. One partner might feel the pull of social pressures to buy or spend, while the other focuses on long-term plans. Working as a team means supporting each other through these differences, building both financial stability and a deeper connection.

Each of these steps creates a foundation where both partners feel valued and supported. Managing money together isn’t just about avoiding arguments or sticking to numbers; it’s about growing as a couple, building a life that reflects your priorities, and staying aligned through the ups and downs.