It’s that time of the year! Here’s a different way to think about setting your New Year’s Resolutions.

Earlier this month, I had an incredible opportunity to take a weeklong intensive mediation class at Harvard. Mediation is a big part of my life and I incorporate mediation skills into all the work I do with clients in financial coaching. Very simply, mediation is the facilitation of difficult conversations between parties. A very common “difficult conversation” is one around money and it can be particularly challenging between couples and people in business partnerships. One of the big things we do as mediators is help people identify what their interests are. Often, parties come into conflict with positions or rather, a firm idea of what they want which can often only be accomplished in one way. And, often, the other party to the conflict wants something completely different which can only be accomplished in one way and it’s not the same way. Yet, when we begin to explore parties’ interests, the real value that underlies the position, we find that there might be many ways to accomplish their desires and often we can find a resolution that both parties want.

So, why am I writing all of this? I started to think about positions and interests when I was reviewing the goals I set for myself for 2022. I looked back at my goals and saw that some of them were only achievable in one way, but perhaps didn’t capture the intent of what I really cared about. For example, I set a goal to write this blog (that you’re reading now) three times per week. I did not reach that goal. So, when I think about the intent of that goal, the interest I had, it was to foster a community and nurture that community through writing. When I reflect on the interest instead, I can have a different view of whether I feel I was successful in accomplishing the interest.

As I think about goal setting this year, something I will spend some time doing over the next couple of weeks, I imagine I will have some goals that can still only be accomplished by reaching the goal in a particular way. But, I am also going to think about what matters to me about the goal by understanding the interest behind it. There might be more than one way to accomplish the interest that I hadn’t yet considered and something that might allow me to have more success in achieving my goals.

Here's a good example of one that did pan out for me in 2022, thanks to a little help from a mediator friend of mine. Early in the year, I told this friend that I had a goal to read 24 books in 2022, or two books a month. I told him this in late January and at the time, I hadn’t yet read any books and was feeling a little nervous about accomplishing my goal during the year, despite how early into the year it was. He explored my interests with me. What was it about reading that was important? When I thought about it, my interest was to consume good storytelling. This friend helped me reframe my goal to enjoy books, rather than read books. This gave me permission to both listen to and read books during the year. I started listening to books regularly and exceeded my goal for the year. Not only am I pleased to have accomplished the goal, albeit reframed by capturing the interest, but I truly enjoyed so many books this past year.

The reason this was so important was because we often abandon a goal because we don’t think we will accomplish it. In this case, I was not going to read 24 books this year. I just don’t sit down to read very often. Probably by mid-February or March I would have altogether given up on the goal. It would have been such a shame to miss out on all the enjoyment I had by listening and reading to books! This year, through books, I spent time in India, Newfoundland, New York and Chicago, Nigeria, and Mexico. I became immersed in characters’ plots and escaped from folding laundry, cooking dinner, and washing dishes through the fabulous storytelling I was listening to. I also learned something about myself – I can consume fiction through listening, but I prefer to read non-fiction. Again, something I would have never discovered had I not modified the goal to reflect the interest rather than simply the position.

I invite you to give this a try this year when you think about what interests you in exploring in the coming year. When you set a goal that can only be accomplished in one particular way, take a moment to think about what it is about that goal that you really care about – maybe it is can only be accomplished that way, but maybe you realize your interest in achieving that particular goal is different and you might be able to craft a goal that aligns better with your interests and values.

If you are interested in improving your relationship with money in 2023, now is the time to sign up for the group coaching beginning in early January! Registration closes this Friday. The group will meet every week for six weeks beginning the week of January 2 and going through the week of February 6. During that time, we will have supportive group discussions as well as individual personalized sessions. This will be a fabulous opportunity to explore your values, goals, and begin the New Year handling your money confidently and empowered. Sign up today!