Acknowledging our fears.

“Fear itself is often the barrier that keeps us from looking at our fears.” – Gary Friedman, Inside Out

Have you ever noticed that when you feel the most anxious about something, it’s often because there is uncertainty around it? Frequently when I’m nervous, it’s because I don’t know what the future has in store. Perhaps I’m worried about discovering something unwelcome. Sometimes, that fear causes me to keep myself in the dark even longer or just “wing-it”.

When our first son was born, I was so afraid because I didn’t know what to expect. He was diagnosed with a birth defect in utero, and I was a deer in the headlights. I was paralyzed by the uncertainty of what could happen to him. As I learned more about his condition, what the possibilities were, and what I could do, I began having a sense of control and empowerment that I didn’t previously have. The fear was still there, as unknowns remained, but as I asked more questions of doctors and nurses and understood the plan in place, and realized I could weigh in on the plan, I began feeling relief.

I think about this unknown territory that causes a lot of us to remain paralyzed with respect to budgeting, tracking expenses, and examining finances. People often tell me that they give their money to someone else to manage or they spend it on a wing and prayer. A lot of people don’t want to do the work to get familiar with their own spending patterns because of what they might find out. Unfortunately, that fear might be causing suffering. We hesitate to look at where we’re spending, and simultaneously, we feel shame about not knowing. We worry that if we find out, we’ll feel ashamed of our actions. By not looking, we can’t do anything to reclaim any power or remove any fear. We willfully stay trapped in the dark.

Looking at our spending can be scary. It can bring up a lot of emotion, unwanted exploration, and fears. It can give us unpleasant information. Knowing that we’re managing our money in a way that might be preventing us from achieving certain goals can be a difficult fact to face. It might not even feel like a fact. Yet, without doing it, we remain stuck in the fear of what is lurking beneath.

If you hesitate to look at your spending, create a budget, or explore personal finances, think about what fears you are experiencing. When you think about these things, do you feel any sensations in your body, like tightening in your chest, a pit in your stomach, or a clenched jaw? What is your body telling you? What would you discover if you looked at how you use money? What is the worst thing you might learn? Once you’ve identified those fears, think about what it would mean if you faced them by investigating your spending and your expenses. Would better knowledge from that work alleviate some of your anxiety?

Through clarity, we can better examine our issues and create a plan for action. With our son, as we learned more about his condition, we could better understand his medical needs and find comfort with a plan in place. With our finances, as we learned about what we were spending and where, we could devise a plan to use our money in a way that meaningfully aligned with our values and supported us in achieving our goals. Looking back, it was hard work. It was scary. It meant diving into something uncomfortable and confronting beliefs about ourselves.  By obtaining clarity, we were able to ask the right questions, generate options, and take steps towards better outcomes.

Take a moment to write down the answers to the above questions. If you don’t yet review your spending and finances regularly, consider what fears might be holding you back.

Here’s the thing: You can deal with a problem that you know about. It is way harder to deal with a problem you haven’t realized exists. Finding out what’s going on is an empowering first step towards controlling your situation and conquering your fears.