Love and money.

Last year I wrote a post on how we handle our finances as a couple. In keeping with a Valentine’s Day tradition, I am writing another post on handling money together and what it means for us. 

As I was talking to my husband about what to write in this post, he made a comment that was to the effect of, “the way we handle our money is another level of intimacy.” Whoa. It was profound. It also made me feel really understood. 

My husband does not love, or even enjoy, reviewing the budget or talking numbers with me. I could (and do) spend hours fidgeting with numbers. But he participates and we discuss the important things: our goals, our visions, what our current state is and what our plans for the future are. I handle the minutia, but we agree on the broader picture. In fact, the broader picture is what’s important. What are our goals? How do we achieve them? How do we work towards our common goals while still maintaining our independence as individuals? We agree on what the numbers are in the budget that get us to where we want to go, and then we stick to our plan. 

This method of handling our money is one that is deliberate, cooperative, and participatory. Our income goes into a shared account and our expenses come out of that same account. No one has money that is unknown to the other. Regardless of who earns more, it is the same pool. Our spending is agreed upon ahead of time. There is fairness, understanding, and zero resentment. To keep some spontaneity in gift giving, we each get an equal amount of money for the year to buy each other gifts. Other than that small pool of money, our finances are entirely transparent to each other.

There is complete trust that we are handling the money together in accordance with our plan. And because of this, it’s no longer about the money. That’s true of so much of this work. Initially, the work is about money, specifically improving our relationship with it and building safety and wealth. The money is the resource to get us where we want to be. Budgeting helps us get financially fit. But eventually, budgeting evolves into a mindful strategy where we are making choices that truly matter to us and help us live the life we want. Sharing our income and expenses is not about the money – it’s about our commitment to one another, our trust in each other, our shared desire to create and live a life together. 

When I asked my husband what he meant by his comment, he said that he described it as intimate because it meant that every decision we made when spending money was a decision on behalf of our family. It was to support the unit that we are. The intimacy is from the selflessness that has come from our choice to handle our finances in this way. 

While my husband doesn’t geek out on this money stuff like I do, I felt understood by his comment because he gets how important all this work has been, and sometimes sees it in a different way than I do – like seeing it as intimate. Small transactions, like buying a cup of coffee 100 miles away, are not made alone. We’ve committed to one another, through our budget, that every decision we make is made for our family’s wellbeing. Our budget is not sexy or romantic, but rather intimate or even, empowering. Our relationship is strengthened through this intimacy we’ve created – the trust, the openness, and the act of being closely involved in what we care about as individuals and as a family.   

If your relationship is strained because of finances, getting on the same page is the first step towards improving your relationship. It’s an opportunity to better understand your partner’s goals and values as well as your shared goals and values.