Something to talk about - money and pregnancy
The inspiration for this post came as I was standing in the security line at the Boston airport this weekend. A woman excitedly asked me when I was due. Now, this is not one of those mistaken-pregnancy stories. I am pregnant (surprise if you didn’t know!)! When I told her I was due in March, she said “Are you sure there is only one baby in there?!” Yes, there is only one. I have a big belly.
When I was pregnant with our now two-year-old, it was peak covid times. I found out I was pregnant weeks before the world shut down and I worked from home throughout the pregnancy – venturing out only to grocery shop or go on walks in the neighborhood. This pregnancy not only am I bigger, but I also am much more social.
Receiving commentary on my pregnancy is a radical difference and I like it. My belly is a great conversation starter and people seem genuinely excited about pregnancy and children. However, what has been of great wonder is other’s willingness (or even desire) to talk about my pregnant belly, the rather intimate questions that people have, and the openness in which they also share their experiences. I don’t mind it at all – it’s just surprising. I keep contrasting it to our absolute terror in talking about other personal things – like money.
When I tell people what I do, I usually get some sort of dismissive response and the subject quickly changes. Most people want to run from talking about money. As I’ve travelled this last week, I’ve observed peoples’ silent, outward representation of wealth. I also had a couple of very interesting money conversations. These conversations, unlike the ones about my growing fetus, only occurred after hours of visiting and their consumption of multiple alcoholic drinks.
Why are we so afraid to talk about money - this thing that, unlike my belly, impacts every one of us? Why don’t we want to be more open about our struggles with it, our choices around it, our knowledge of it, our actual earnings, our impulse in spending (or lack of), our familial relationships that have changed because of money, or any of the other things that have a consequence in all our lives because of money?
Part of the reason we don’t want to talk about it is because of the outward representation of wealth we see in others. If we see someone else driving a nice car, we assume they must either have a lot of money or be good at managing it and we wouldn’t want to out ourselves at not knowing what we’re doing. And, the outward representation is pervasive – it’s on the TV, internet, and in person. The problem isn’t just with strangers, either – nearly half of couples who live together don’t know what their partner earns[1] and an estimated 1 in 5 people don’t share information about their income with anyone.[2] We know that most of our money beliefs formed at an early age, and you likely received messaging from your environment that talking about money was rude, impolite, or even completely taboo.
Money is something that strongly affects each one of us – in the past, present, and future. It’s the exchange that allows us flexibility, freedom, and choice, yet we often remain stifled in examining it for ourselves or sharing about it with others.
My belly is the outward representation of what is occurring inside of me – I am growing another human. I remain fascinated that we can have conversations, comfortably, about my belly, but not about other outward representations. If others see that you have a Louis Vuitton purse, they understand you have expensive taste and the ability to afford such an item. Yet, it’s likely something that we could openly discuss because that would feel taboo.
How can we get more comfortable in talking about money? Here are a few places to start:
Examine your own finances. Identify your income, your expenses, and your debt.
Track your monthly expenses. Know what is coming in and what is going out.
Have conversations with those you trust – family and friends. Be willing to be vulnerable – odds are, the person you confide in will likely be experiencing something similar or will be compassionate to what you share. Start small and allow for openness.
Getting one step closer to having a healthy relationship with money begins with getting comfortable with it and talking about it. How can you have a healthy relationship with something you’re not willing to talk about?
If you’d like to join a supportive group talking about money, please consider joining me for the first group coaching program starting in January. And, if you ready to take a small step but could use some support going through it, I’m always happy to help. Wednesday night sessions are ongoing, and I also offer 1-1 coaching sessions at a time that works well for you.
[1] https://www.cnbc.com/2021/07/15/40-percent-of-couples-who-live-together-dont-know-how-much-partner-makes.html
[2] https://www.cnbc.com/2018/03/12/some-people-dont-share-salary-information-even-with-their-spouse.html