Summer Lovin’: Communicating about money
As humans evolved, they learned to either flee from danger or fight it off. When our ancestors encountered a bear, their brains released hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, prompting a fight or flight response. This same response is still present in our highly evolved brains, even during conflicts with our spouse about spending, saving, and investing money.
You may notice that when you have a disagreement with your partner about money, they tend to either shut down (flight) or engage in an argument (fight). For some, disagreements about money and financial decisions represent significant conflict.
If you notice this happening, how can you strengthen your communication with your spouse to foster money conversations not rooted in conflict but rather ones that open space for forward progress? Here are seven things to consider when having difficult money conversations:
Don’t ambush your partner with money conversations. The best time to discuss money is when both of you can be present and free from distractions. Schedule a specific time for your money dates.
Sleep on it. Don’t bring up financial issues immediately. For example, if you notice an unexpected expense on the credit card statement, resist the urge to confront your spouse right away. Unless there’s a concern of card fraud (i.e. it wasn’t your spouse who made the purchase), wait to discuss it during your scheduled money meeting. You might say, “I noticed this expense. Can you tell me more about it?” Listen openly, and if it wasn’t part of your plan, create a process for making future decisions that align with your shared goals.
Trust your partner. In 1967, Sweden switched from driving on the left side of the road to the right. Despite extensive preparation, accidents initially decreased, but near-accidents surged due to a lack of trust among drivers (thinking someone wouldn’t know what they were doing, a driver would swerve). Similarly, in financial matters, it’s crucial to trust that your partner knows what they’re doing. Without trust, nagging, misunderstandings, and conflicts are more likely.
Recognize it’s a partnership. In true partnerships, decisions are made together. No one person holds all the power. According to one study, in heterosexual relationships where husbands don’t seek input from their wives, 81% of these relationships end in divorce. But this is true in all relationship. Seek input from one another, make decisions together, and empower each other to act in line with your shared values and goals.
Learn more about your partner. If your partner is making unplanned purchases, check in with them. Spending can often be an emotional response. Ask if they are okay or going through something. This is an opportunity to connect on a deeper level. You may want to revisit the Money Scripts® and understand how early childhood experiences might be influencing current spending habits.
Create the systems your household needs. Avoid unplanned expenses by creating systems for household tasks. For instance, plan meals in advance to avoid last-minute takeout, and designate responsibilities for maintaining the house. In Eve Rodsky’s book “Fair Play,” she suggests making household tasks visible and dividing them fairly. This not only helps in operating a smoother household but is also critical in achieving financial goals together.
Use effective communication skills. Listen to your partner, acknowledge their feelings, and let them know when you understand their perspective. Take turns talking during your money dates and focus on future goals and ambitions rather than past problems.
Try these tools to foster a healthier and more productive dialogue about money with your spouse, ultimately strengthening your relationship and achieving your financial goals together.