vulnerable birthday reflections
It was my birthday this past week and as we’re prone to do around birthdays, I reflected. This is a vulnerable post about those reflections.
Last week, I celebrated another trip around the sun. It wasn't until I became a parent that I truly grasped the significance of our age marking the completion of a year of life, rather than a guarantee of more to come.
As we tend to do around birthdays, I reflected – on the day itself; on my life thus far; and, what I hope to make out of what remains of it.
The week before my birthday, I visited my mom. As she does when I visit now, she had a pile of things she was getting rid of, relics of my childhood that she is ready to part with as she is cleaning and minimizing her belongings.
One of the things she shared with me was a certificate. I received it 20 years earlier, awarded to me the day before my 13th birthday. On that day, I became a blackbelt in Taekwondo.
What this certificate meant for me, at the time, was my opportunity to finally quit Taekwondo.
A few years earlier, my best friend asked her dad to enroll us in Taekwondo. He agreed on one condition: we weren’t allowed to quit until we had our blackbelts. So, for a few years, I went to Taekwondo training multiple times each week. I mastered each level. At 12 years old, I passed the test to earn a black belt.
What could have been, and should have been, a moment of immense pride, was instead the opportunity to put away a piece of my life I was utterly ashamed of. At the time, I believed that practicing Taekwondo was so embarrassing, so mortifying. My completion of my obligation meant I could be free from that shame.
As I chuckled over the certificate with my mom, I couldn’t shake a profound sense of sadness in the days that followed. How many things in my life have I wanted to hide or quit because I deemed them uncool? How much of that deeming wasn’t from me, or my own beliefs, but because of what others projected on to me? How often have I even known who I am or what it is that I want?
If I’m lucky, I still have about 2/3 of life left to live, but in my first third of life, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fit molds that I believed would have others accept me.
As I enter a new year of life, I’m consciously trying to tune into what it is that I want. I want to do things because they make me happy. I want to form, and listen to, my own opinions. I want to learn about who I am, not about what I believe others expect of me. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to love the person that I am.
I am keenly aware of external pressures and messaging we face. The early influences I absorbed were not malicious, but their impact requires introspection, awareness, and deliberate unlearning. The pervasive societal messaging demands discernment. Are we not inherently worthy? Can’t we determine what brings us fulfillment? Must we conform to external standards to belong?
I think about the pursuit of self-improvement that many of us undertake. Are we improving to fit other’s molds because we feel inadequate? Or, are we improving because we are deepening our own self-love, self-knowledge, and to enhance who we already are? I aspire to pursue the latter exclusively.
Reflecting on my financial journey, I realize how often I've used money to seek validation. For years, I altered my appearance—dyeing my naturally red hair blonde, concealing my freckles with makeup, and chasing trends with my wardrobe—all in pursuit of acceptance from others.
The irony is not lost on me. True acceptance begins internally. When we love and accept who we are, external validation loses its significance, or at least its hold over us diminishes.
As I reflect, it seems to me that this is the journey in life – to learn to know, love, and accept ourselves. Through this, we won’t be as susceptible to outside pressures of worthiness or unworthiness. Through this, we increase our tolerance of and kindness to others. Through this, we find peace. We understand our emotions without being consumed by them. We can appreciate beauty without coveting it. We learn what our needs are and how to satisfy them. Through self-awareness and self-acceptance, we will strengthen the communities to which we belong.
As with anything, this seems to me to be a work that will be ongoing for a lifetime, but aware that we are not promised more than exactly where we are today, it seems to me to be an important practice to put top of mind each day.